And Oh ya.
To my dearest Ms. Flower :

I wish you the best of luck yea. XD
Err. I'm quite a failure in relationships.

But then, 电影院里面真的很暗，真的有很多事情可以发生。 Lol.

This is just my advice to you:

Follow what your heart tells you to.

当爱情来追你的时候，你想逃也逃不掉。Lol.


你要幸福哦! <3

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Seesh. Oh my am I tired.

Can I fall sick for the rest of the year? I don't mind dying.

Living like this :I'd be better off dead.


Exam.Exam.Exam.


still no one is to the rescue for me.


*I don't want to be girl who laugh's the loudest to cover up sadness.*

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Exam come. Vanessa bang bang die.

Okay. Vanessa will be gone for the rest of the month cause exams are coming.
I know you'll miss me. XD

Vanessa is going to disappear...








Now.

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I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let 'em out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while even though
Goin' on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay
But that's not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And havin' so much to say
And watchin' you walk away

And never knowin'
What could've been
And not seein' that lovin' you
Is what I was tryin' to do

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken.


That was what I thought err...Until today morning.

And this is what I think now :
I've got to run away.I can not stay here anymore.This is terrible.I should run away to Far Far Away Kingdom.Maybe a million miles a way from here. A place more familliar.I have to run.I will run and never look back.I fell down really hard, and I'll stand up again.

Gah. Someone save me.
If anyone of you is escaping, bring me with you.
I would want to go somewhere else. Somewhere like, Mars.

I've never been this nasty. It's all your fault.

SO RANDOM.

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Kill me. Kill me now.

I walked home alone today. This time, I didn't want to wait for the van.
I merely had the feeling of, Walking away, as far as possible.

Walking home alone isn't all that bad.
Despite the hot weather, I kinda enjoyed walking home slowly. weird yea?
Hmm.Maybe being alone isn't too bad also.

We had a science convention is school today..well,it was way better than the last few years.
It was all because of Seagate who sponsored our school for all this.Hope they can sponsor more money each year and we'll get even cooler conventions. Lol.

Didn't have the mood to study today. Shit. Exams comes in how many weeks?
I have no idea. Oh dear.

Oh well.I'll just have to work harder. =)


Take a deep breath.

Embrace the loneliness. Yay!

-能说一万次“我爱你”，然后一句“分手”就结束的；那就是爱情。-



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I would run to the shoulder if I have one now.

Yes.I am that Desparate.

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Dear Mimosa Pudica,

Please do take note that nobody had mentioned your name in the blog post, so please,
jaganlah perasan.There were so many people working on their herbarium as well. =)
Not only you.If you're that kind, you would just let it go, wouldn't you?

Since you hate other people being copy cats as well,
this is how it feels to be called a copy cat. HAH!
This is reality, the world is not always only about you.

You call this childish, but this is what people are having on their minds.
Blogging is basically about writing your own feelings .
So,there is absolutely nothing wrong with it. You do agree, don't you?

You are not a perasan-er, right?

And for those who don't like me, scram. Hate me all you want. Waste your time. Peace! XD

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-When you fish for love, bait with your heart. Not your brain.-

Vanessa is now being between Runaway n Stay.

Runaway; where I'll go?

Stay; OH GOSH this is miserable.

Sigh. I'm losing myself again.


- 一年的时间在一个人的生命里，占了多少分量？一个人在另一个人的生命里，又占了多少分量？-

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Oh gosh.

You and me doesn't belong to me anymore. It's someone else's.

How sad.

Okay. Back to blank-ness.

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Feeling seriously out of place today.

so random. = =

And owh yea. found this very long time ago post of mine. I'm gonna post it again, this time,here. lol.It was on August 3rd, about 2 months away from my PMR.Don't quite remember what had happend.Memories fade, you know.That time i had my nice long hair.I remember that I was still like the same old me, able to walk away with my head held high.I was still behaving like a kid.It's weird how 2 months of long holiday can change my character yea.I feel grown-up already.Like, Oh gosh. Vanessa grew -up? Serious? ; Now, yes.

And now, for the long lost post.

Windy.Hot.
Sad.Blank.

well..evrytime i write here,there will be sumtin that im sad or confused bout..haih...
dun evn noe what im thinkin oso...kinda blank dis week...trial exam comes nxt week..Pmr comes in 2 months time..

I made him lose his feelings for me.wtf.wad i did?ok.if he thinks i did nth..so be it..
just forget bout:
+the days n nights i did cry because of him.
+the days i did his hmwks fr him thru the nyt.
+ the days i stayed up late just to talk to him on the phone.
+the days i cared bout him.
+the days i worried fr him.
+the days i stayed back in skol jus to acompany him altough he thinks that im nt stayin bak fr him.so whats wif those friday?!
+the days i tought of him.
+the days i got scolded n reprimanded + grounded cos of tokin to him on the phone fr hours.
+the days i went thru without him when i needed him.sick+sad.
+the days i got scared when his angry.
+the days i tried so hard to make him happy.
+the days he threw me away.
+the days he promised me to love me forevr
+the days he promised to be there.

and thank him about:
+loving me.
+being sad cos of me.
+makin me sad cos of him.
+being angry.
+acompanying me.
+gave me his promise.
+making me cry.
+making me feel empty again.
+his valentines present fr me.
+cheering me up all the time.
+showing me his moody face.
+bringing my books fr me.
+shielded the rain fr me.
+changing ur acts fr me.
+became a gud boy.
+walking away when i needed him.

saying sorry to him:
+sorry fr cryin because of me.
+sorry fr cumin early to skol early.
+sorry i din noe hw to cheer u up.
+sorry i din noe hw sad u were.
+sorry i pulled back my hand.
+sorry i din say yes evrytime.
+sorry i hav reasons fr nt saying yes.
+sorry i said yes to help u the 1st time.
+sorry i said yes to help u the 2nd time.
+sorry i din learn hw to say no.
+sorry i din show my love enuf fr u,
+sorry i din make you think i love you.

pls do:
*pls dun evr cry again.
*pls forget about evrything.
*pls be happy.^^

总觉得我们之间，留了太多空白格。
也许你不是我的，分开或许是选择，但他也可能是我们的缘分。

well...thats the end of this.


whoo. that was childish. isn't it?

-There's nothing I can do to change what happens anyway.So,I'll just work harder to make it less worse.-

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Fuck you. Fuck you very much. Fuck Whoever you are.

What for steal my purse? Can't steal other people's purse is it?
I had my MayDay in it. And I loved my purse so much. It was from Taiwan.
And like now, you stole it. IT'S MINE!
GAH. Fuck you whoever you are.

Are you like brainless or what? Didn't your parents teach you that stealing is wrong?
HUH?

Budak babi yang mane curi dompet saye? BAKA. IDIOT.

If I know who you are, if you're a girl, I'll pull off all your nice hair.
If you're a boy, worse. I'll chop off what belongs to you.
Hair grows back.Yours don't.

iF i DON'T find who you are, I sure do hope you'll fall down and die*.
Kena bang down by car or something by the time you want to spend my money.
You shall eat fishball and choke in the end.
Trip and fall really badly during PJ class.
Bang onto walls, really fierce dark society people, etc.
Get beaten up by other people.
Fall from the stairs. And roll down really badly! XD
And upon all these misfortunes ,you'll come looking for me and give me back my purse.

*All of the above only causes bad injuries. Not really dead.*

Damn mad now.
Help me name this stealer.
I'm too mad to think of anything.
And super sad lor. T.T MAYDAY!!!

**************************************************************************
Friday is not the day for me. Never. Every Friday sucked like shit this year.
No. Worse than shit. It compliments shit.
Every Friday in 2009, nothing good ever happened. Only bad, very bad, worse, terrible,and horrible things happen to me.I reckon that if i bought 4D on friday, I'll end up paying the 4d company money.
I used to love Friday's, as it indicates the coming of Saturday and Sunday.
But now, Saturday and Sunday sounds like homework day and Friday means another hell week is coming.

GAHHHH. Look at me. I'm so messed up. Hope nobody sees that. seesh.
I am severely lacking of good luck. Like damn I want to run away.
There are still ,so many questions in my head.
I've been thinking of all of them increasingly these days.
If you find me sitting there motionless, well, thats pretty normal.
I'm lost. For most of the time, I don't know what I'm doing.

If someone would bring me to run away, I'll say nothing but Yes.

vanessa is lost.she lost.she's lost.
LOST I TELL YOU. LOST.

Some part of me really is malfunctioning. It's not working properly.
Somewhere... there. I think. Yeah. Right there.
\Actually, I don't quite know what's happening to me too. LOL.

Oh well. Curse you purse stealer.You made my Friday even worse.
Let me catch you and you're dead meat.

-【一年的时间，在一个人的生命里占了多少分量？；一个人在另一个人的生命里，又占了多少分量？】-

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Oh Gee. I'm getting bored of this blogskin already.It's only back for 2 days. Oh my.

A change would be nice. If I have time for it. ish.
How can I say I don't have time when I'm typing crap here?

I'm having a mental break down here. I don't even know why.
Everything is going so crazy for me. GAHH.

My parents aren't agreeing with whatever i say, and not giving me any support on what I do.
Okay, so what if I did wrong, can't they at least please say it in a nice manner and not to hurt me?I sat on the floor and cried over a stupid thing my dad said. Is this crazy or something?

I get very worked up easily these days, so please please, bear with me a little kays?
To all my friends, If i don't reply you quick enough when any of you call me, I'm being somewhere else.I'm wondering and wandering around.
I'm so frustrated. Very frustrated. OH- SO- VERY FRUSTRATED.
And the point is, I don't know why am I sooooo Frustrated.
This sucks.

How I wish I can run to the beach or a really deep hole to scream and shout my lungs out.

Things haven't been all smooth for me for the first four months of Form 4.
I'm like a little kid being in an adult's world. I don't understand what's happening.
Everything seemed to be so different.

I have so many questions that will never have answers.
The only thing i could ask is only Why?
Because I was too not brave enough to ask.
I thought i won't be wanting to know all of it. But I do.

I'm only brave on the outside.Not all the way through.
I'm not as strong as you think of me.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH !

Vanessa is so dead.

-失去的灵魂，就再也要不回来了-

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“ 唔...你最近还好吗？”

“嗯。还好。你呢？”

“我也很好。”

“哦。”


-其实，好与不好，已经和对方无关了。-

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Woots. It's raining. Time to go out and play.



Err. Sorry yea. Johann and KhaiXiang *

I merely felt the need to write something in chinese.
Cause...I thought that chinese is more... Gosh. I don't know how to say.
But anyway Johann, reading more chinese is good for you! XD


A week passed again. Time is passing faster and faster day by day.
I've kinda got used to my hectic life now. Is this something good? Err. I hope so.

Exam's comin...And I've never started anything yet.
Form 4 sucks like Shit. Worse than Shit! It Compliments Shit!
Owhh I so love Hells Kitchen that invented this phrase. XD
I reckon form 5 won't be any better. So, until then, I'll have to invent another fantastic phrase.

And the herbarium thingy...I skipped the drama in my church today just to get it done.
But obviously, it's still not done. LOL. Due next week laa. sobs.
I really do hope some Herbarium King would poof out and help me finish all the stuff.

Like, *POOF* here you go Vanessa, Your herbarium is done!

And OH-MY-GOD. My oral. I really pray that BM and BI teacher would let me off.
I don't want to do both on the same day!
I've not even touched anything for my english oral test.
As for the BM one, I got fed up already.

Being busy is one way to distract me. Woots.

Okay..There's school tommorow again.I used to Oh-So -Love- School.
But now, going to school feels Terrible. Horrible. Unexplainable. Sigh.


I'll just need to go a million miles away from here. Somewhere , more familliar.
And then I'll forget everything.Then I shall come back even stronger than Superman in Krypton.

Oh well. Vanessa is already so far away. Would she go back?

OH- MY -GOD. I can't belive it. I'm so far away.


-你教我怎么爱上；却没有告诉我怎么遗忘。-

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Don't know how to describe how I feel now. Kinda terrible.Complicated.
Wait till I invent some pro words to tell how I feel now.

Until then, let me ask all of you a question:

What is love?

什么是爱情？

I don't think even the smartest guy in the world would know the answer.
Maybe only God knows the answer. Dang.
Well, feel free to answer the question for me yea.

人要跌倒才能知道怎样爬起来；
人要受过伤，才能知道有多痛；
人要参加过比赛，努力奋斗过后，才能知道胜利的滋味。

如果做什么事情都要试过才明白，那么，要知道什么是爱情，就要谈过恋爱，曾经爱过人咯？

Whoever that knows what is love, he is a genius.

谁知道什么是爱情，谁就是天才。




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Seriously, Vanessa has to learn to be happy. again.

But not going back, she has to move on.

那个蓝色的人必须消失。

嗯，会很努力的。

反正那块蛋糕也要不回来了，那就给他好了。

我不要让人抢我的蛋糕了啦。留给自己多一些好了。 love myself more.

被人把蛋糕拿走了，还真不是滋味。 真是的。

你和她在一起的时候，把多一些的蛋糕分给她就是了。

嗯，是时候醒了。
虽然，我还是比较喜欢骗自己睡觉。


×To a guy, a relationship maybe only a chapter. But, to a girl, it means the whole book.×
But oh well, guys are genetically modified to be this way. We shouldn't blame them. Right?
Maybe someday, I'll invent some super pro stuff to make guys think at the girl's side. Wooh! =)

Genetically Modify them. haha.

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-而我知道放开手， 但却不知道怎么忘掉。-


And the line is still soo freakin slow. Ish.
I feel like writing chinese leh. lols.


这几天，一整个很忧伤，朋友们都说看到一个蓝色的人在到处晃。
大家都在大笑的时候， 我只笑了一半。大家都在深锁眉间严肃的时候，我的眉间不但挤不出皱纹，反而还比平时更平坦。我的食量少了一半，而我呆坐着的时间比平时多了一倍。


你失去的是那时候， 最初的感动。

你已经不再属于你自己的了，至少在你真正的让自己自由之前，你都不是你自己的。

因为这是我们的报应，当初我们选择沉默的报应。

分开或许是选择，但它也可能是我们的缘分。


喂，这场梦，该醒了吧?

不过，这场梦真的很难醒。

雨天，是因为在这世界的某个角落又发生了一次轮回，类似谁又爱上了谁，因为又放弃了谁，或是失去了谁，因此生命谁。 然后相信自己忘了什么是眼泪， 哭是一种再陌生不过的行为，像一个厨师失去了味觉，再也没有办法分辨咸苦的滋味，就算是秀色可餐的宴，你兴冲冲地尝了一口，却宁愿从此失去味觉。

然后说服自己躺到床上装睡，凌晨三点的空气里，秒针像是被装上了地雷，每走一秒，就炸上一回。突然间发觉，过去的美丽幻觉全都是梦境，起自己痴痴迷迷的醉。

然后太阳微醒的睁开了眼， 月亮赖皮想要多留一会， 天空蓝色的布半哄半骗，说蓝色是一种魔鬼，法力高强邪术精炼，千万别让他发现，先去睡，先去睡，晚上才安全，适合你的只有黑夜。

那块蛋糕，我应该要不回来了。灵魂有空缺了。 OH MY GOD. EHH, so what yea?


嗯。
过瘾了。

-【第101 篇心情】-

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'Girl, for goodness sake, he doesn't like you anymore. You can go bang wall ler", said Vanessa to Vanessa.* and many other people. = =

Don't know how many times I banged the wall.

I still have so much to say, but I think some things are not meant to be said.
Leaving them unsaid, would be better yea? He wouldn't want to know either.He won't have time for that anymore.For the next three years, he'll be busy.Me too.Altough i don't know what I'll be busy doing .

Oh well. *Happy Ever After* do not exist in Vanessa's world. She tried twice, and got hurt.
She won't try it again. She'll die if she does that again.No more repitition.

Seesh. I'm having flash backs increasingly lately.This has to stop.This is so not healthy.


Nevermind. As long you're happy beh.

记得，

心情不好的话， 就去散步吧。

散步；就是要漫无目的的走，不走直线，慢慢地走。

走着走着， 就会想通一些事情；一些之前想不通的事。

在我的想不通的范围内， 就是怎么忘记你，和该不该忘记。


这是第 100 篇的心情。
-[ 100th post]-
-[100th heartfelt feelings.]-


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And hey ya bitch.

Sorry for calling you a bitch.I guess...For some reasons, You're not one anymore.

Help me think of a better name to imply this girl.

Smile yea =)

Wooh. Vanessa is so grown-up. XD

我应该也是忍着的，不然我不会像现在这样狼狈，而你的应该也不会这么快乐。

[The 99th post.]
[My 99th hearltfelt feelings.]

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BOOOOOO !



It sucks majorly to walk alone back home. UGH.
That bloody school bus went away without picking me up. AGAIN.
I ended up walking home ALONE. AGAIN.

Walking home on your own makes the 15min distance feel like it was an hour.
seesh. Should have went with szehao they all. But I have tuition. DAMN.
And it's so hot today...It would have been better if i walk home drenched wet.
At least my face won't feel the burn. SEEESH.
It's scary to walk alone on the road too.After what happend to Vivian,it's even scarier. *Trembles*
What if somebody walks behind me and snatches my bag? OMG.
They'll be stupid to think of even abducting me. Ms.Lo said it would cost them a lot of nuisance and money .And I don't know why she said that. Vanessa is such a good girl.
Oh well.

I sure hope that I won't need to walk home alone leh. IT SUCKS. sob.

You bloody school bus.Wait for me a while will die is it?

And hor. I really think that dates that are related with 3 and 5 are really very anti-lucky for me lorh. GAH. I tought only Friday the Thirteen sucks. But today, Friday, April 3rd. Eff.

List of unlucky-ness.

1. I somehow got off with the BM oral test I'm supposed to have today which I've been so annoyed about and memorizing the stuff by using my precious sleep.It doesn't count as something lucky because I prepared for it and WeiMing helped me with it.
2. I think I got gastric problems already. Causes are not eating breakfast and dinner on time. It's soo painful! Shit this too. =(
3. I still got sunburnt altough I had all my face covered with sunscreen. Stupid sunscreen.
4. My bus got away without even waiting for me. And I had to walk home alone. AGAIN.
5. My friends went to Convent for some lawatan and I had to go for tuition. BAKA.
6. And also, I lost my voice again.
7. I've been super duper not myself and muddle headed.
8. Everything is going deja vu!!

sob sob. Is it purely coincidence or I'm just being severely lacking in good luck recently?Nothing went well for me for these few months.The starting of 2009 wasn't nice to me at all.I've been through some of those worse days that would probably happen to me during all my secondary school life.I think.And it ain't getting any better.It's happening the other way.I can only pray that my life would change a lil.As long I can get away from all the suey-ness.

And a week passed so quick this week.It's what I feel tough...How do you feel then?

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,Friday, and its Saturday again.Sunday, and everything starts all over again.This is such an unhealthy cycle. 恶性循环 is what we call it.

You study and study all the week.My life began to be so ... systematic? Everyday, I face so many homeworks.I have to stay back until 2.30pm in school for classes for almost everyday.I reach home about 3pm then.That is if the school bus leaves without me.Reach home, I bathe, eat, rest, and do my homework.And afterthat, tuition. It's going on and on like this for the whole week except for Tuesdays and Sundays. It's tiring. Very tiring.But at least it keeps me away from bad stuffs. Hahas. * Mengelakkan diri daripada terjebak ke dalam gejala negatif.*

Funny.I can blog soo much here about my toughts and go blank when teachers ask me to write an essay or ask me about my opinions.Hopeless. Maybe Im just good on ranting what I think. Agree?

Why is time running away? But no point sulking about it also...It doesn't wait for anyone.

Bill Gates says: Life is not fair. - get used to it.

*Maybe I'll just stay some where far from you, that you won't see me. And I'll love you from there. Yeah. Right there. LOL.* - says Vanessa.

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I've got nothing to say.
nothing nothing nothing nothing nothing.
I'm soo blank.
blank blank blank blank blank.
Oh well.

Exams comin. siao.

I don't like the atmosphere in my class.it sucks.

Where have those laughters and stupidity we had went huh?

Did i went away too long and everyone changed?

I enjoyed my form 3 life. Really, i do.

At least it's not so boring all the time..we study happily. NOT LIKE THIS.

seesh.I'll love to see everyone to be like in form 3. ^^

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